collateraldamaging | Duplicity Inbox

I explained that she's here from years in my past and just after her own death, right?

Yes. That doesn't make "right now" any clearer to me, though.

That was a start of a point with a pause for clarification, confirmation, or questions.

[ Someday, they'll work it out, maybe. ]

I'd mentally retreated pretty far before her death. We're better now than we were, but the mental link still isn't there - largely by my choice at this point.

Oh.

[ Where does he start with unpacking that? Clarification, maybe. ]

Were you still together at that point?

It was really complicated then and it's not less complicated now. The relationship was effectively dead, but it wasn't officially over.

[ Best he can do to clarify, honestly. It was -]

It was right after they thought I was dead , but I was actually sharing my body with 5,000 year old evil.

...the fuck, Scott.

[ He doesn't actually want to discuss how fucking weird that is, though, not right now. So it gets a little head shake before he guides them back on course. ]

The absence of the link makes more sense now, but I-- can I ask you something personal?

[ He has no idea where the question is going to lead, and he's actually fine with that. ]

Sure. Fire away.

What ended the relationship? Did you change as people somehow, or was it a thing one of you did? Obviously people fall out of love all the time, but when that sort of connection is part of your understanding of once another -- I guess I'm concerned about whether it contributed somehow, or just wasn't enough.

[ He seems a little nervous now. It's probably obvious why he's asking, but the way Scott still talks about Jean has him confused about where things went wrong.

...and just in case Scott is reluctant to answer, he's willing to share a small secret that might encourage the conversation. ]

I proposed to Val.

[ He didn't exactly have any expectations, and he still manages to be surprised into a few seconds of silence. ]

That's certainly personal.

[ He doesn't really mind, though. ]

The connection might have contributed, a little, mostly by being too much. Most of the slower breakdown was just outside pressure. Our lives clearly weren't normal and a lot of people were invested in us as some sort of dream couple.

But the ultimate thing that broke us was that we had leaned into that connection for a long time. When I came back from being possessed, she had fought to get me back when everyone else wrote me off as dead, and really needed me to be... there. I wasn't functional. I felt corrupted. I couldn't stand being touched, much less letting someone I loved into my head.

[ Kazu just waits to see if Scott will answer or not. He's used to asking things and being denied an answer on the grounds he's gone too far, but is at least respectful in that he always accepts that.

It's a pleasant surprise when Scott starts talking again, even though what he says is distressing. ]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that, but if it's worth anything at all I do find it personally reassuring it seems like outside factors were most to blame.

[ And now that his own fears are soothed a bit, Scott does seem to be in a sharing mood, soooooooooo. ]

...you said you're better now than you were. But you're still choosing not to let her back in?

I don't know if I really consider that an outside circumstance. It was still my choice and who we were as people informing what we needed and how we responded.

[ Dry and wry, but a reminder. He moves and actually leans against a wall, just one shoulder. Not defensive, but it's been a long day and even here he does a lot of physical work. ]

I am. For a lot of reasons. I think we'll get back there but my place when I got here wasn't great, and I miss my girlfriend. But we also need some better communication skills and time together. Straight back to a non-stop mental link would be... a lot.

Ah, I didn't realize it was non-stop. That makes a lot of aspects of the situation clearer, actually. And you're right to be careful. Even with our link active, Val never let me use it as a crutch.

[ Kazu follows Scott over to the wall, looking dramatically more at ease than when he showed up. Especially since it's obvious now that the older man is genuinely just being understanding and open with him... there's likely no reaming to brace for.

Which is kind of unsettling just because he doesn't know how to take that from someone who isn't Val, but it's not a bad thing. ]

...I'm not used to this. But you have always felt responsible for your peers, haven't you?

[This kid is perceptive.

Scott is a little hesitant, considers for a moment giving an accurate but not full answer or just laying it out there. Because Kazu's radically more at ease and trying and it's not like there's anything terribly secret there. ]

When I was 8 there was a plane accident, that I thought killed the rest of my family. As the plane was going down my mom strapped my younger brother and I into a parachute and told me to take care of him.

I woke up a year later in an orphanage run by a crazy man and immediately took on trying to help a real shit of a kid who probably didn't actually exist given the level of manipulation he was capable of, and I definitely didn't like.

When I finally ran, I was picked up by a guy who used me in criminal activities.

By the time Charles picked me up I felt useless to the point of wanting to die. He sent me out to save other mutants in trouble and built a team who's purpose was doing that around me. Whether intentionally or not, it kept me alive.

[ The baseline level of trauma everyone from Scott's world has is just far too high. He has to squint to see the bar, it's so far up. But he listens quietly, and then lets it process for a long moment before he attempts to respond. Which is already a significant improvement right there. ]

As coping mechanism go, that is one of the best ones in terms of behavior... but I trust you acknowledge the toll it has taken.

[ And that wasn't his original point anyway. This is. ]

I appreciate your help. My concern is why you're offering it. People don't-- [ Stop. Try again. ] I just want to be sure I've earned this, as I'm not one of your students or a little brother you've been tasked with protecting.

I don't owe you anything.

[ Agreement, sort of, but also, Kazu. What the fuck ]

You also don't have to earn... whatever this that you're making sure you earned is.

...perhaps earn isn't the correct term. I want to be sure I've proven myself worthy of it, somehow.

[ Because that's a totally normal thing to need your friend to assure you of, right? ]

[ Scott's still on a track that will, but has not just yet, intersects this. Namely: ]

Worthy of what?

[ THIS!! Kazu gestures between them vaguely as his brow furrows in confusion, but alright, he'll try to articulate it... ]

This is more than just helping a friend. In some ways you were putting yourself at risk to guide me through an issue I didn't ask for help with, just because you saw I needed it. You had no way of knowing if I would listen or attack you as well.

Only Val has ever done that for me, and he had the insight of having been in my head to know he was safe. I don't want you to have done it out of some sense of duty.

[ One of Scott's issues with communication is getting what is happening in his head out of his mouth. That issue is markedly greater when he has 900 things happening in his head.

Sometimes, that's the result of anxiety or planning.

Occasionally, like now, it's from sheer force of 'what the fuck'.

Because he has a lot of response to that and the only thing to get out of his mouth is: ]

You need better friends.

I--

[ That's visibly upsetting to him, and he's about to defend his team when he seems to realize something. And looks even more upset. ]

...I'd never managed to keep any, before my team. I drive everyone away, it is what I'm best at. That the others haven't managed this is not a fault in them, they simply have far too much to deal with to also handle my outbursts.

[ Even though... they did have that intervention for Cammie. But it's Cammie, they had to. She's their baby sister. And she's not going to hurt anyone like he could. ]

[ He is silent a moment or two because upsetting Kazu again isn't really his goal here, but.

Okay, back to him.

Sort of. ]

Darling [ Get out of his vocabulary, Emma ] My girlfriend had an outburst and ate a sun. I once got pissed off at my chronically angry boyfriend and his couple of feet of retractable metal claws and knocked him through a wall. This [ He gestures at the gym and bag ] isn't an outburst. It's an emotion looking for a release valve.

Edited 2022-06-14 13:43 (UTC)

[ The darling throws him off balance badly enough that the rest of Scott's point is able to just knock him right over, mentally. He glances over to the bag and shredded profile as if that'll offer him some understanding, but when it doesn't he looks back at Scott skeptically. ]

...once again your baseline for what's 'bad' is much higher than mine. I'm glad you don't see my behavior as unacceptable, but obviously my world has very different standards.

[ It's his fault, Scott! Everyone ever has always told him so. ]

[ He snorts. ]

Yeah, and I am very obviously not from your world and we're not in your world. My standards exist and I don't need you to be 'worthy' of being able to beat the shit out of a punching bag with me. Especially since you absolutely could attack me but you absolutely wouldn't win.

[ Last part is kind of a tease, honestly. ]

That actually isn't the kind of attack or hurt I meant. I don't hit my friends and of course I wouldn't win.

[ He scrubs a hand over his face, trying very hard to process this but obviously overwhelmed. Also does he have to fuck Scott now? The Val energy in this conversation is intensifying. ]

You're right. Your standards exist and I should not question them, that's disrespectful. I appreciate your patience.

[ Yeah, very obviously overwhelmed so he's not going to point out that this also doesn't need an apology, at least not directly. ]

Good news: My tertiary mutation is that I'm immune to emotional damage from being yelled at by people who are generally lashing out. ...actually I'm pretty sure that's foreplay about half the time with Logan.

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CW: suicidal ideation.

Re: CW: suicidal ideation.

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