collateraldamaging | kazu 2.0 au

For what feels like the first time in an age, Val smiles. It's a soft, loving thing and he fits the hand not laced with Kazu's to his jaw, tilts his head so that their noses brush together.

Love. Yes, he loves Kazu and he's felt that love returned. Yet hearing it aloud, being put into words, is still something special.

"There is nothing I want more than to do just that." He runs his thumb back and forth, stubble against the pad. "Don't be sorry. You are here now. Without you, it would have been Yaz, and you would not be you, the man I love, if you were not the kind of person who was there to save her."

Kazu leans into the touch, nuzzling gently as Val speaks. He does regret that he may never know if Val's skin is actually as soft as it feels here, if his warmth radiates the same way, but even that's just a stray thought in the back of his mind. The rest of him is focused on being with Val -- at least until he hears he saved Yaz.

"Everyone else is alright?"

Will it be strange for them, seeing him again knowing he's a copy? Or will they just be as glad as Val that he wasn't lost forever?

"They are right now. As alright as any of us can be. Yaz took losing someone hard, as did Cammie." There's an unwitting flash of a tangled mess of annoyance, worry and relief as he mentions Cammie's name, in particular. "There have been... many discussions, leading up to today. Chase felt that this was not our choice to make."

He understands it, he listened to Chase's perspective, but in the end he simply couldn't just stand by and let Kazu stay dead when there was an alternative. Chase did not take that so well, but whatever hesitance Val had left has faded now that he has Kazu back. There are things to contend with, yes, but he can't imagine making another choice, right now.

Edited 2021-11-28 04:22 (UTC)

It's a complicated thing, and he'll probably be struggling with his identity and new existence for quite some time... but this isn't the same as Chase. Who knows what the Unity did to his mind, to warp it into the Nemesii? And again, even though his original self wouldn't want there to be a copy in the first place Kazu isn't about to tell them to destroy him now.

"I don't think I'm ready to see them just yet." He's not ready to mix into the real world, either, where he knows his body is probably lying in a tube somewhere. Where he has to confront Marin about what she did. It's too much right now and he just wants to be in his own Hub, with Val. "Stay with me awhile?"

Soon enough he'll have to deal with either reality or loneliness, but with this being a fresh session they have time left.

“Always, Kazu. I’m not going anywhere until I have to, and the others will not interrupt.”

They may be left anxiously waiting, but they also know they’d get an alert from Val if something were wrong. Nothing’s wrong, nothing that isn’t expected to be, at least. They have the session all to themselves, and Val doesn’t intend to waste a second of his uptime anywhere but right there with Kazu.

“Come, let’s get out of the void and return to the comfort of your hub, yes?”

Kazu sighs with relief, nodding slightly against Val's forehead before pulling back and focusing. The hub appears easily and he squeezes Val's hand, stepping towards it. He wonders if it'll be any different, if his original self had changed anything, but stepping inside it looks the same. Familiar and comforting, and there are even a few stray bunnies still hopping around. He smiles slightly and leads Val up to the loft where the bed is -- a largely unnecessary addition since they can't sleep in the hub, but he'd enjoyed decorating something that felt more like a complete home. And now it's going to be more comfortable to lie with Val.

"It feels safe to be with you," he admits softly as he settles, cuddling into Val's arms. It's a position he never would have put himself in even a few months before, but with Val and the memory of their last conversation it feels okay to be vulnerable. To admit that he needs the comfort and support. And Val's always been so steady and patient with him -- there's nothing to hide and nothing to fear. Not here.

Val follows Kazu without question, some lingering tension falling away just to see Kazu walking through his own space again. It had felt so wrong, to see it empty, and yet, even before they knew they may be able to bring him back, erasing it had never been an option. Not for a second.

He has never been more grateful for the upgrades that made these spaces possible, the relative normality that it allows them to achieve. That he can settle in a comfortable bed with his arms around Kazu, nuzzling his face against the top of Kazu's head, is a blessing he will never take for granted, now. The Hub has always been convenient, but now it is something much more.

"I am glad," he says, quiet and warm, though the words don't really adequately convey the depths of that. That Kazu has placed the trust in him that he has means more than it is easy to put into simple terms. "Never be afraid to talk to me, or call on me. I will never be far."

The coming days and weeks and beyond will be hard, he has no doubt. To have to adjust to this new reality at all is tough enough, let alone to have to do so in the midst of everything else still raging on around them.

If he's honest with himself, Kazu isn't sure who he would be now if not for Val. If he'd even be alive in the first place, if his original self would have survived as long as he did. He doesn't know how to express his gratitude for that, for everything... for Val being Val.

But they can't stay here forever. The war isn't over, far from it. Maybe it's good that he doesn't remember dying, he might be too scared to keep fighting. He might be even now. But he can't hide. He can't let Val or the others go out there without him. They need to be together. The unfortunate part is that they're now even more reliant on Marin, who they obviously can't trust.

"What are we going to do, Val?"

"I do not know." He wishes he had something better to offer than that, but to lie and try to pretend he had any idea would do neither of them any favours. "I do not think any of us know. Since the Anvil, losing you and finding out what Marin has been doing behind our backs, things have been... uncertain."

The Union cannot be left to continue unimpeded, Val's conviction in that has never been shaken, no matter the lies behind what sent the war hot—he spent far too many years under the Union's thumb, seeing how they treat those who do not believe, to be so easily swayed. Yet, the things Marin has been doing, the way the ground they have reclaimed has been taken back...

"We are all shaken. After you died, Cammie ran away, to Union territory— scared us all half to death, that girl. Chase has only gotten worse, there is still much I do not believe he is telling us. Yaz has been turning the blame in on herself. We... we do not know. We only know that whatever it is we do, we must do it together."

Edited (addition) 2021-11-28 19:44 (UTC)

Kazu takes in the information about the team with a grim sort of understanding. Things are bad for everyone. But they're still together. They can still figure something out. There was a time when he felt like together they were invincible and obviously that wasn't true, but they're still stronger as a team. He'll adjust and rejoin them, and be strong for them too -- he won't let things fall apart.

Right now, though? He's focused on why Val left himself out of that summary. For awhile now, he's been everyone's rock. The mature one, the stable one, the one who knows who he is and how to help the others. Kazu's hand strokes over Val's back, wanting to be able to be there for him, too.

"And you?" he asks gently, tilting his head up and nudging Val's chin with his nose to get the other man to look at him. "You can tell me."

Val's embrace tightens, just enough to be noticeable. He closes his eyes, takes a breath through his nose, then looks at Kazu with a crease in his brow.

"I felt ready to run away in a way I haven't since the first Battle of the Anvil. You were gone, and I did not know how to help anyone. Everything was falling apart, and I did not know how to stop it." He's been doing his best to keep that from the others, because it will do no good for them to know how close even he came to falling apart completely. But this is Kazu, and he would be a hypocrite to hide from him. "I still do not. I do not know how to help when the things that plague us now are so difficult to reckon with."

Part of that is what Kazu expected -- Val had one foot out the door with them for quite awhile -- but hearing him sound so lost is a first. It's actually a little disconcerting in that if Val doesn't know how to help the others, what can he possibly do for them? He doesn't know yet either. But he knows he can support Val. And maybe together they'll be able to manage it.

He breathes out, expression softening, and slides his hand up to caress Val's cheek.

"You didn't run. I think that might be the bravest thing I've ever heard. I've never known anyone like you before, Val -- I know I'm not good at this, but you've made me better. And you don't have to fix everything alone. We can be scared together, and stand together."

He's so sorry he was gone, still. That Val was... no, is in so much pain and all he can really do to ease it is exist. But he won't just be another burden.

Val leans into that hand and a little of the tension that grew in him as he spoke falls away. He brings his hand up to the back of Kazu's and kisses the palm, focusing for a long moment on the contact and on what Kazu says.

There was a time in his life where it was easier to have connections that could be easily broken, where it seemed like a matter of common sense to keep a bag packed and be ready to run. It did not feel brave to sit there in the back of the Renegade, considering if it was time to fall back on old defenses, before finding he didn't have it in him. Some old, fading part of him had felt it to be a weakness, to not be able to leave so easily anymore, but that part of him doesn't hold a candle to Kazu's words.

"I have missed you so much..." it's said barely above a whisper, laced with thick relief and gratefulness. He may have helped Kazu change for the better, but it is not an entirely one-way street. GL, Kazu, have changed him too. "Thank you, darling. Yes. Yes we can. Together."

Kazu lets the touch linger, lets Val's words sink in. It wasn't so long ago that no one would have missed him like this. His parents would have grieved, yes, but he hadn't had regular contact with them for a long time. It was different. Everything with Val is different. He strokes his thumb over Val's lips with a soft smile.

"Darling, hm?" He leans closer, bumping their noses playfully. "I wish I could promise to never leave you again. I can promise to be by your side now."

It's not true anymore that he has nothing to lose, but he'll still give his all. Even though none of this is going to be easy to deal with, he'll manage. It's worth it, to be with the people he cares about. To be with Val.

This time he's the one to kiss Val first, tilting his head and pressing in that last inch.

Val releases a shuddering breath through his nose and brings a hand to the back of Kazu's head, lacing into his hair as he kisses back. He all but melts, filled with pure relief and the kind of happiness that nothing can take away from him. Not the war, not the arguments, not all the stress and fear—everything is worth it if they can have this.

Maybe he will never get to feel what this would have been like outside the Hub, maybe their relationship will never be so simple as held hands whilst they're out, as stolen kisses whenever they can, or slipping into each other's bunks. But none of that matters right now, not at all.

Kazu is here, and no, he cannot promise to never leave again, but Val knows he will never do so if he has any other choice. That's what matters.

Just like in the memory, Kazu is struck by how right it feels to be with Val. The mechanics of their relationship might never be simple, but the choice to still have it is. And the experience is no less real. There's the heat and softness of Val's lips against his, the shiver down his spine at Val's fingers in his hair, that warm rush of happiness and pleasure that spreads out from his chest and has him pressing in closer, parting his lips to deepen the kiss. All of his worries seem far away in this moment which is, he thinks, exactly what they needed.

"You're alright?" he asks breathlessly when the kiss breaks, nuzzling against Val's cheek. It's a soft, quiet sort of affection that he rarely shows.

It is exactly what they needed, what Val needed. To feel Kazu warm and firm against him, to hold him close and kiss him, lips parted and fingers tangled in his hair, until even without need for breath here he feels breathless and dazed in a good way when they part.

He doesn't open his eyes right away, basking in the gentle affection. He turns his head to press a kiss to Kazu's temple. "I am now. I will be."

The answers may seem conflicting, but they are both true. He is okay, now; better than he has been since the Anvil. He could be more okay, and he will be; he's choosing to believe, right now, that things will somehow get better—things will never be easy, perfect, simple, but they can be better. He is not an optimistic person, but right now he refuses to be solely a pessimist, either.

Kazu gives a little hum of understanding, resting his head back on the pillow and just looking at Val. Wondering how he ever got so lucky, to have this. To still have this.

"You are the best thing to ever happen to me," he tells Val, reaching up to run fingers through his hair gently. "We'll get through this."

"The best thing ever, hm? That is high praise." There's a gentle note of teasing, but the look in his eyes is purely loving. He can tell that he really means it, and that settles as warmth in his chest. "...I do not want to know what my life would have been like had we never met. Yes. Yes, we will get through this."

His head tilts into Kazu's hand, again, as his fingers comb through. One way or another, they will get through this. There's nothing of that hesitation about if this was the right move, anymore—it will not be easy, but if Kazu thinks this is worth it, then he cannot muster even token regret to have made this choice without being able to ask him.

"You deserve high praise." He does really mean it, his smile lighting his eyes. It's easiest to focus on Val, on them, so maybe he's leaning into it a bit much but that doesn't make him any less genuine. He twirls a lock of Val's hair around his fingers and sighs wistfully. "Can we just keep kissing until you're out of time? Then I will face the material world."

Val chuckles softly, and that may be the first time he's laughed since the Anvil too, bringing his hand to Kazu's face again and stroking his thumb along his bottom lip. "I think that can be arranged. There is time to be made up for."

He draws Kazu back in for a deep kiss, hand sliding down to fit to the curve of his neck whilst his other stays in Kazu's hair, pressing as close as he can. He wants no more distance between them than there needs to be.

Val draws him in and Kazu goes happily, savoring the rush of sensation as he kisses back. They do have time to make up for -- not just when he was gone, but all that time he spent struggling with his feelings. It seems silly now to have hidden them, when they could have been together. He's not wasting a moment ever again.

As the kiss drags on he drops his hand to wrap that arm around Val's waist and pull him in tight, but it's still not enough. Kazu makes a soft needy sound and rolls onto his back, pulling Val along to settle on top of him. That's just right... he makes a soft pleased sound into the kiss and wraps his other arm around Val's shoulders, loving the feel of the weight pinning him down.

The noise Val makes when Kazu rolls them over is somewhere between surprised and pleased. He shifts only enough to get comfortable, to straddle Kazu's body whilst still letting himself be held there, still pressing as close as is possible, still pinning Kazu between himself and the bed with his weight. The hand on his neck trails down to his chest, then his side, settling there; the other remains in his hair, holding his head at the right angle.

Yes, this is much, much better. And is bringing certain other ideas on how to spend their time to mind.

Val hesitates almost more about breaking the kiss to speak than he does about what he says, though there's the faintest hesitance to it too—he does not want to move too fast for Kazu, after all, but atop him like this... he hums, presses a kiss to Kazu's jaw and speaks against the skin. "You know, we do not have to stop at kissing..."

When Val pulls back Kazu's instinct is to chase the kiss, but then those warm lips are moving against his jaw to make a very welcome suggestion. He smiles, looking slightly embarrassed -- Val can definitely feel his interest in that, the way he's positioned.

"I did not want to be so forward," he murmurs, turning his head towards Val's, "but I would like that."

It's an understatement. What better way is there to feel like he's still alive? Like he's still the person Val wants to be with? He loosens his grip to slide his hands down to the other man's hips and catches his mouth for another kiss. There was that hesitance, though.

"You're sure?"

Val laughs, again, and steals another brief kiss of his own before responding, "I am sure. I did not want to rush you, but if you simply do not want to be so forward, well..."

He rolls his hips against Kazu, slow and deliberate, a trail of kisses starting at the corner of Kazu's lips, drawing along his jawline until it stops with a final kiss pressed just before Kazu's ear, so he can breathe out:

"...then of course I want you, Kazu."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject