collateraldamaging | Duplicity Inbox

[ He doesn't need any kind of apology. Even if Kazu were pissed directly at him, Scott wouldn't need an apology. Dude's got anxiety coming out of his ears on the regular, but people being pissed around, near, and at him is not a thing that upsets him.

In fact, it's kind of comfortable. ]

It isn't about thinking you're an idiot; it's about you doing something difficult for you, for his sake and that he recognizes that.

[ He lets go of the bag when Kazu stops, moves from behind it and goes to get a bottle of water from a chair in the corner, and cracks it open. ]

He and Logan have a lot in common. And I don't just mean their power set.

Hn.

[ When Scott steps away Kazu flexes his fingers, taking a moment to readjust the support on his hands and wrists. ]

I wouldn't know.

[ But he assumes that Scott's going somewhere with this and will explain those commonalities? Go ahead, buddy. He's listening despite the bad mood. ]

[ Scott takes a drink from the bottle, then sits in the folding chair it was sitting on. He picks up a roll of tape from the floor and starts methodically taping his hands and wrists.

Focused, pretty calm.

...Steady. ]

Let me back this up. You seem to be getting pretty entangled with mutants, and metas, I guess, is what some of the people from other realities call themselves.

I've been leading mutants - new kids, kids who don't get a chance to grow up, the ones that do, people like Logan who come to us late and just don't have anywhere else to be, since I was about sixteen.

And there's a whole lot of overlap in all of us.

[ The comment about getting 'entangled with mutants' gets a squint, since Kazu can't tell if that's some sort of call out... he isn't making these connections on purpose. It's just happened. There's a lot of superhero bullshit types around and among his first real friends here one is a mutant and the other a meta, so... yeah. Scott isn't wrong. But he's on guard to defend himself until he realizes that it isn't an accusation. ]

...go on, I'm listening.

[ Please please please give him some fucking insight, because it's obvious he's lacking it and he desperately wants to understand how to do better. ]

[ That confirmation of being receptive is what Scott was waiting on. ]

Almost to a one, we have some sort of mind-melting childhood trauma. It might be earlier or later in childhood, but there's something and it's probably more 'series of trauma' rather than a singular event. It will be referenced casually and vaguely, if at all. No one wants to hear the details about things like 'strapped down for conscious brain surgery'. It just makes things uncomfortable for everyone.

We've almost all got some level of self-loathing or being afraid of ourselves because of human response to us. It's everywhere, it sinks in. Degree varies. Method of dealing with it varies, but it's there.

[ He tears the tape off his first hand, and then starts wrapping the other, at that point. ]

A lot of us are in physical pain on some level all the time.

Because of those things stacked most of us is, in one direction or the other, have some extreme sexual tendencies. Extremely opposed, extremely dominant, extremely controlling - or extremely inclined to get off on shit that is in no way safe or sane.

Edited 2022-06-10 18:26 (UTC)

[ Okay, hold up. Kazu lifts a hand at the last point, shaking his head slightly. ]

I guarantee I know his preferences in this regard better than you, Scott. When I say mistreatment I don't mean pain or even actual danger, I mean that the city has been encouraging treatment I know he at best gets no pleasure from because we have specifically discussed the matter.

[ And neither those preferences nor how Akihiro has been addressing advances in that vein is his business to disclose to Scott, so he's going to leave it there and turn the 'pause' gesture into a 'continue' one... but he needed to make it clear that he was not assuming, he's asked Aki directly. ]

I'm not making assumptions about his sex life or what you're calling mistreatment. That was a conversational pause engineered to allow response.

[ His tone there is dry, but it is wholly self-depreciating. He knows he either clams up or lectures. And deliberately makes himself pause. Usually in bad places.

Also that he's terrible at making himself understood, so:]

Cutting through the unnecessary prequel: We're not one unit, but we're mostly fucked up in a wide variety of ways. Akihiro's... admirable and remarkable for a lot of reasons. I like him, a lot. You're a good guy. I'm glad you care this much. I will point you at a heavy bag to vent it out physically, any time. Hell, I'll be the punching bag if you want a bigger challenge.

But you need to be able to either look for that outlet when you need it or be able to let shit go, sometimes.

[ It was a what now--?! Kazu frowns, jaw clenching. ]

You don't have to manipulate my responses to ensure engagement. I am not a child.

[ That expressed... ]

...but you're not wrong.

[ Scott's silent for a long moment and considers explaining that really, all he meant, was that it was to avoid talking without pause for even longer. to allow for a response not engineered to ensure a specific one.

Then decides nah, he'd rather just be subject to some anger and the assumption that he's an asshole.

It's comfortable that way.

Besides, he was apparently accidentally effective.

He tears the second wrap of tape off with some help for his teeth and puts it back on the ground.]

Good. Now, what can I do to help.

[ Look, if it's led up to gently, Kazu can accept a call-out. And he already knows this near-complete inability to process negative emotions is his worst flaw. He just lets everything reduce to anger and then that anger drives everyone away.

...except Val. It was actually so much worse before Val, since at least now Kazu is aware of the issue and actively trying to stop doing it.

The 'how' is often a stumbling block, though. And some defense mechanisms are just very difficult to unlearn, especially in the moment when he's upset and overwhelmed. Believe it or not, even if he snapped at Barry the fact that he managed not to snap at Aki is significant progress. Just not good enough. Not yet.

Kazu sighs, deflated, as he realizes he doesn't have a good answer to Scott's question. ]

I don't know.

[ All right. He can work with that--

and relate to some of it, though Scott's more likely to shut most emotions down or push them away, while also pushing people away. Turn it into a slower burn anger and anxiety that he channels, but-

That's for another day.

He pushes himself up to stand, and moves toward the bag himself. Doesn't immediately hit it, though.]

All right, then let's try to break it down. [ He nods at the bag.] Did physical release help.

[ The continued line of questioning seems to confuse Kazu, his brow furrowing slightly as he watches Scott come back towards him. This isn't how people besides Val respond to his shitty behavior. It just isn't. It's not that no one's ever been helpful before, but when he's actively lashing out? Everyone just scolds or punishes him for it and that's that. They don't stick around to help him work through things after, unless they're Val.

Scott is hitting a weird combination of buttons right now and he really doesn't know how to process that either. Which is at least distracting him from his anger, a bit. ]

A little? I don't feel better, but it was kind of satisfying.

[ He shifts his weight awkwardly, then moves forward to take a turn holding the bag because at least he'd be doing something. ]

...you don't have to do this.

[ Scott doesn't really need to be using the bag right now, but it gives Kazu something to do and keeps conversation from being too..focused.

That feels like a good idea, anyway. ]

You're clearly pretty trained in fighting, and good at it. Do you have a specific style, or do you just do what it takes?

[ yes, he knows it wasn't an answer, he's... still trying to gather information and ultimately help finds things that might be useful. Kazu said he was right about needing something, so Scott is... going to do his damndest to help find something. ]

[ Not answering kind of is an answer, in this case. It's very much like Scott to ignore the feels-y end of things, but he's advancing the conversation rather than ending it.

Kazu can read between the lines enough to realize that means for some reason, Scott wants to do it anyway. ]

I... it's complicated. Originally my style was developed from many disciplines, to the end of doing the most damage possible.

[ That's definitely not the case now, even if he was still the team's tank... but why his style changed so dramatically requires explanation. ]

[ Yeah, the answer there would just be that he knows he doesn't have to, but also that if he can he wants to. Analyzing that down would get harder. Some emotional drives.

He takes that answer in, and then nods, very slightly. Aims a precise, dead center, strike to the bag with his left, followed by his right. ]

Originally. What's your style now? What do you lean into?

[ The accuracy is impressive. Kazu himself wasn't really bothering to be on his turn, but he notes it. And absorbs the impact of Scott's hits easily, the bag hardly moving. ]

Do you remember when I explained about Holons and how we upload our minds to be able to fight in them?

[ There was a lot going on for Scott when they had that conversation and the upload itself wasn't the point of bringing it up, but it's necessary context. ]

[ There's some real force behind it, but accuracy is just how Scott rolls - with fists or the optic blast. He finds a rhythm to work with now that he's given Kazu a feel for things. Keeps it simple in rhythm and variation. ]

Yes.

[ Clearly and completely. Spatial awareness problems with it. ]

There are other benefits to uploading besides a Holon's capabilities... I also mentioned that the project wasn't originally meant for military use. Dr Weller saw it as a way to evolve humanity by connecting people, mind to mind.

[ That's the part of things Kazu truly misses, and Scott might be able to hear that in his voice as he explains. ]

Our team mindshared regularly. We were always networked, yes, but in those moments we weren't just fighting together, we were one. I don't know how to describe it because it was much more than just sharing... senses, skills, emotions, memories... they are also yours. It was terrifying at first, until I realized that for all it changes you nothing is ever lost. There were things I would have preferred stay private, but protecting my family was more important.

So I still fight like myself, but also like all of them, even when we're not connected. Because they are part of me now. Does that make any sense?

That gets a laugh out of Scott - not mocking or mean, but really soft, even through the rhythm of breath and strikes against the bag. "The most meaningful relationships I've ever had had been with a telepath. The good ones were really good and close to that, though boundaries and individual sense of self-stayed."

Meaning, as he pauses. "Yeah, it makes sense."

[ Oh. Kazu blinks, obviously surprised -- he knew from Akihiro's response to the explanation that there are psychic abilities in their world that match up, but wouldn't have thought Scott of all people would want to let someone in like that. ]

You?

[ Whoops.

Now he looks very embarrassed, both that he went on about it so poetically in the first place and that he just blurted that out. ]

Er-- I didn't mean it that way...

[ That absolute blurt of response is kind of a delight, actually. ]

Yeah. It's kind of complicated, but it's also not. The first couple of telepaths I knew were... not great experiences, but Jean was another teenager wrestling through her shit and the mental connection was a way I could connect.

[ That does make sense when Scott explains it. Kazu nods, still a little embarrassed but also. Uh.

Jean his wife Jean?

Jean who's here Jean?

Is a telepath who can establish that sort of link?

...there's no appropriate way to suddenly be even more interested in meeting Scott's wife, so he's just going to stay quiet and hope that comes off as normal post-blurt awkwardness. ]

[ Scott has no idea what that silence is, assumes he has screwed something up socially and backs away from the bag and Kazu. ]

Similar thing with the girlfriend that came after her, but also different. Both of my kids are telepaths. So was the guy who raised me after 16. And the first guy who raised me, but that's... a different relationship altogether.

[ He's not babbling but he's stilted and... anxious. ]

[ Oh no, now they're both being awkward... what does he do if the silence is what's making Scott uncomfortable? He can't just ask if Jean could link other people, that's potentially very creepy, but now it's literally the only thing he can think of to say! Quick, say something, Kazu-- ]

Right, it's not always a sex thing.

[ Oh god, someone please just kill him. Again. ]

[ What is happening and why is it happening and now he's thinking about Sinister and sex and Charles and-

He stops with the bag. ]

It's rarely about sex. Sometimes it's about sex. Sometimes it's about trust. Sometimes it's utilitarian communication. Sometimes it's familial. Sometimes it's romantic. Sometimes it's the most god awful thing imaginable. A lot depends on the person on the other end.

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